Try the Express Line

So this past weekend, I went grocery shopping. When I was young I used to hate shopping for food. My mom would always drag me with her knowing that I didn’t like it. I would just stand there stupidly played with my fingers and looked idly at other old people. Back in my days, there is no such thing as cellphone to play with so don’t even go there. If that didn’t make it worst, my mom would constantly ask me what I like to eat.

Mom: Do you want to drink cucumber soup tonight?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Mom: What do you want to eat tomorrow?

Me: I don’t know.

Mom: You like to eat roasted pork; do you want to eat that tonight?

Me: I don’t care.

Mom: Do you want to eat tonight?

Me: I don’t care.

Mom: You want to starve tonight?

Me: I don’t care.

Mom: You want me to take away your allowance?

Me: I don’t ca-

Mom: So starting from today, no more allowance for you?

Me: Wait, what?!

As I get older, I don’t know why but I start to go on grocery shopping more often. I start to enjoy the atmosphere of walking around picking out stuffs. I enjoy the loud noises and sounds from where everyone is talking at once. Sometimes I even get surprises from someone yelling next to my ear, oh how cute. I also like the smelly part of the fish market where the smell reminds me of chicken noddle soup barf and a week old of laundry. The lighting of the place is also an added bonus. The constant flickering of the lights make my eyelids do exercise. I heard that if you do a lot of eyelids exercise you go from mono eyelids to double eyelids. It is known.

it is known gif

Those are just of some of the small reasons of why I like shopping. There are bigger reasons of why food shopping are so much fun.

First thing, shady marketing tactic. I like how they trick you into going in to the store just to tell you the item that was supposedly on sale got sold out. The newspaper advertised that the soap is going to be on sale from Saturday to Sunday. I went on Saturday and they told me it was sold out. Really?! The soaps are sold out in 3 hours? Are the soaps made out of gold or are their smells so addicting that you’ll die if you don’t take a whiff of them? It must be but I wouldn’t know, would I? I didn’t get the fucking soaps. You know what? It’s okay. I came out a cart full of junk food, so all is well.

Another thing, who design these supermarkets? They’re as big and confusing as the Triwizard maze, all these walls and aisles popping from nowhere. Sometimes, if you’re not on alert, the people with carts will jump out and tackle you. Beware. However, you won’t get lost in a supermarket because it has signs everywhere. With the sign listing 5 categories while the aisle has at least 20 million items, you’ll find what you need, eventually.

If you still can’t find what you need, you have the nice employees to help you. Those employees with their nice attitude will help you find what you want. They will go out of their ways to find your ketchup and they will not snap at you by saying, look at the signs. No, they will not. Those people really deserve to work in retails. They’re so nice; their customer services must be great.

Let see, what else? Yes, express line. Don’t be mistaken thinking that express line is for people with fewer items to checkout. That’s not what express line means. Express line is for people who are in a rush to get out the store but they don’t want to wait in other lines, this doesn’t pertain to how much items they have. Next time you see an express line with a sign that says 15 or less, it doesn’t mean 15 items. It means you’ll have to wait at least 15 minutes or less before is your turn to checkout and get out of the shithole, although don’t expect to wait less than 15 minutes.

Breathe

breathing in paper bag gif 2

If you decide you don’t want to be checkout in the express line, how about using the self-checkout. It is the greatest invention in supermarket. It usually has the shortest line with people having fewer items (this is actually true because people are lazy as shit) and the most wonderful thing about self-checkout is you don’t have to talk to anyone. No need for small talk, I don’t even care what the weather is like outside and no I don’t want to wish you a good day. I especially like the robot voice and it telling me what to do.

Please scan your member card.

I know.

Please scan items.

I knowww.

Error has occurred. Please place item in bagging area.

I just did!

Please remove item from bagging area.

But you just-

Error has occurred. Please place item in bagging area.

You little shit-

Please wait for assistance.

It’s really is the greatest invention everrr.

I hope you have fun reading this as I have fun shopping. I probably need to find someone that can help grocery shopping for me because I think I’ll starve than going on another trip. Urggh. That’s it for today, talk to you again in my next post.

Thank youuuuu!!!!!

This post contains reference to links and pictures from one or more sources and has given credits where they are due. In no shapes or forms do I make any money out of these products.

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